jesfrealo

Things have been looking up and a lot has happened and changed since last I posted. I moved out of my parents' house, got back together with my boyfriend, got accepted into school, went to Europe again, and just quit my job. All of those things needed to happen for me to have any chance at all at happiness in life. I'm still deathly afraid--I don't want an ordinary life and I'm flying headlong into one. I can't stand the idea of this boring ordinary life thing that everyone seems to expect me to pursue. I hate the idea that I'm just supposed to settle into some job for the rest of my life and while away my most productive years while being the model little citizen: bury myself in "manageable debt"--buy a house, a new car, etc.--get married, have a couple kids, drive some miserable minivan and so on. That is utterly horrifying to me. I honestly can't stand the thought of it. I hate the idea of marriage and babies and that hideous typical life--the idea that people have this notion that travel is the one week vacation and a few days in Europe constitutes a once in a life time experience... horrifying. I just hate the notion of that life. I know that I haven't come anywhere close to getting life, and I'm perfectly cognizant of the fact that different things could certainly make different people happy, but for me? For me I cannot stomach the idea of any of it: jobs, marriage, babies, etc. I mean, the job I get--but I don't want some boring meaningless job (which I think teaching won't be but I worry--because it does also seem such a typical sort of job) that just goes on and on. I want freedom--financial and time. I want to do what I want and I want to make a difference. Anyway--it occurs to me that I want to make a bucket list, for a lack of better terminology (which I really wish I had). So--here goes--a bucket list (or maybe a before I get too old to enjoy it list), off the top of my head: 1. TRAVEL--this one is key: a. Savannah, GA b. Philadelphia, PA c. Maine d. San Francisco e. San Diego f. Santa Fe/Albuquerque g. Carlsbad Canyons h. Gettysburg i. Nashville j. Seattle k. Spain (Barcelona) l. Greece m. Italy o. Morocco p. South Africa q. Ireland r. Fiji s. Bimini t. Oktoberfest u. Australia/New Zealand/Great Barrier Reef 2. Yoga everyday--become an instructor (?) 3. Learn martial arts 4. run in a foot race 5. get a pitbull puppy 6. drive cross country 7. skydive (?) 8. learn to snowboard 9. see a professional football game 10. scuba dive 11. swim with dolphins 12. great wall of china 13. pyramids 14. alaskan cruise 15. learn about anthropology 16. read BBC 100 books 17. write and publish a novel 18. establish financial and time independence 19. paint a picture 20. knit something lovely 21. be fit 22. become a brilliant cook 23. write a blog 24. pursue graduate studies (doctoral degree?) 25. shooting range 26. own a home that doesn't put me into horrible debt 27. work to help save the environment 28. help animals (like my Eli) 29. be more outgoing/talk to strangers 30. seek spirituality/balance Hmmm--that seems okay to me. But, that's so freaking much. Yikes. Okay...enough of that for now.

Well, it's all feeling very hopeless right now. I've somewhat recovered from the hideous time I've been having at work over this four-day break. But, tomorrow, I need to go back...and I positively dread it. I can barely think of anything more horrifying than needing to go back tomorrow. I desperately need to get a better job. Well, actually I need to get a job I like better. At this point, I really don't even care if they pay me less...I just need to get a better job. But, I find the application process totally overwhelming and I STILL don't know what I want. It's awful. I don't know what to do but I feel like I really can't tolerate this job much longer. It's having such a bad effect on me. My life has been changing so much and so quickly lately that I feel like I just totally don't know myself anymore. I really feel like I don't. My identity is so convoluted at this point. I really don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do for a job...I just know sitting in my cubicle all day doing this stupid job that really couldn't matter any less is not okay. I don't know how much longer I can take it. I hate this. I really do.

Ok...desperately working on nano...but I can't seem to write more than about 2000 words at a time. Yikes. It's going to be a long few days.

17,430 / 50,000 (34.9%)

I can rarely get myself to write. It's pretty much a disaster. I can't really imagine succeeding...but we'll see. It's something like a Thanksgiving break, now. I'll make an effort to write as much as possible. I've already written about 2000 words today and I feel like I'm pretty much done, but we'll see.

15,159 / 50,000 (30.3%)

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I freaking hate facebook. Facebook is just like all the other lying bullshit out there. It takes your life, and it squeezes it into this little box. And then I go and I look at all these other people's lives, like all these assholes from high school, and I'm reminded of all the ways I feel inadequate. Honestly, why do I waste my time?

Nano continues, though I have not been at all good about writing each day. I have, however, done my best today to make some real headway and I feel as though I have. This alone is making me feel quite accomplished for the day. No real plot to speak of though. I'm just not a good plot writer...which doesn't seem particularly promising for "my writing career" (which will probably only ever consist of NANO). But, in any case, my crazy, jumping through time, trying to weave together three lives thing is doing okay. I don't hate it, so that's good. Ok...enough rambling about that. Down to business (don't like writing in full sentences anymore!). Word count:

11,435 / 50,000 (22.9%)

In other news, I went to see the movie "Happy-Go-Lucky" last night, which I found really enjoyable. It, like my nano writing, was plotless, but they pulled it together remarkably well. I truly enjoyed the movie. I definitely found myself wishing that I could be more like the main character. She laughed at anything and everything and lived a life of daring (in a simple, not daring kind of way) that impressed me, that is what I wish I was but am coming to accept that I am not. (I realize that that sentence probably made no sense.) At any rate, I would highly recommend the movie. It was different and interesting and about British people and set in London. Could anything be better? It made me dearly wish I could go back to London. It also fascinated me. I am so unlike the characters that I was just thrilled with them. Oh, well, clearly, I'm no good at reviews, so I'll stop. It was, however, (I'll reiterate) a movie well-worth watching and wonderfully different from what is out there most of the time.

Oof...I'm behind. Like seriously, seriously behind. Not feeling particularly motivated to write right now despite the fact that I continue to like my story a little bit better. There's still defnitely not a plot, though. It's plotless. Is that a problem? Must write. Must write. Must write. There, if I say it enough, it will come true.

The current count:

8,381 / 50,000 (16.8%)

Well, Nano continues although I have no clue whatsoever exactly where this story is going. Although, having written for awhile today, I do think it's going rather better than it was before. At least, I guess I should say, I like what I'm writing better than I did before.

5,381 / 50,000 (10.8%)

Ok...so I started my Nano. I don't know how I feel about what I'm writing but, it being Nano, I guess words are all that matter. I am somewhat behind but considering I didn't write anything on day one, I'll call today a success.

3,500 / 50,000 (7.0%)

Total Number of Books I own:
About 85 on my shelf...

Last book I read:
The Cheese Monkeys by Chip Kidd

The Last book I bought:
Oof, haven't bought any books lately because I'm short on cash. I actually bought Everybody Hurts the other day...a book about punk music but it wasn't for myself. It was actually for someone else's Christmas shopping. Oh...wait, I actually think that Jane Austen's persuasion is the last book I purchased for myself--aside from school books.

Five Meaningful books:
[this is a really hard question]
1. The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
2. The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning
3. To Kill and Mockingbird by Harper Lee
4. The Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling (don't make fun)
5. Natural Healing by Andrew Weil & The Yoga Sutra (I read them in conjunction and therefore link them in my mind)

It's been....STRESSFUL lately. I'm just returning from break and I don't feel remotely rested. I'm tired of the fighting and the struggle and school and not knowing. End of story. That's how I feel. I just want to be happy but I'm not sure I can will myself happy. I would quite like to be able to do it but the only way I know to will happiness is to force busy-ness. And even then I'm not sure we're talking about happiness so much as distraction, which I would take but...still. Sometimes I really do wonder about myself though. I don't quite know if I can trust my emotions all the time. I've realized this week how easily swayed I can be and how much I can let myself down with my own behavior. It's disappointing when you become the worst common denominator in a situation. Goodness, my mood could use some elevation.

In the area of writing I feel...blah, meh, ick. Not really words, I realize, but they feel pretty good for illustrating my feelings on the subject. My writing right now is just disappointing or absent right now. That's all there is to it. In the one story I'm really actively working on I'm telling too much, not showing it. And I'm not sure what my point is, exactly. Because I've finally gotten to the point where I thought I wanted to be in this story and now I don't know what to do with it. Ugh. I don't know why exactly I have all this frustration in my life but I really really don't like it. And I want it to go away. Grrr.

P.S. My New York Giants lost in a pathetic and humiliating manner today. They, too, are quite frustrating. Some weeks they show up and some weeks they don't. Also, I'm definitely starting to lose faith in Eli Manning. How could I not? The trouble is that he does not consistently show up. That's the problem. Also, we need a better play caller AND receivers need to stop having these inexcusable drops. Also, I think it's about time to just rest Plaxico Burress. I appreciate that he's playing hurt and still fighting through it but he's not playing up to snuff anymore. Not by his own standards and down the stretch his team will need him. If he doesn't get rested and healed he won't be much help come playoff time (assuming we make it that far, which is starting to look unlikely). Grrr...

I suppose it may just be one of those days. On the upside the eagles are putting up a good fight against the patriots, which is fabulous. If they win I may need to start rooting for the eagles, which would be sacrilegious as a giants fan but...if philly wins. Hmmm. Psyc...but I would be really happy. Ecstatic.

My attempt at this very random story continues. I definitley like certain parts of it but the plot's a bit loose.

( Part Three )

Hmmm, I'm trying to continue this fic but I'm just not sure where to go with it...

( Fic continued... )

Well, since Harry Potter has taken up so much of my time and so many of my thoughts, I thought it might be worthwhile to write something and this peice of odd fanfiction is what came out...Bizarre because it has no bearing whatsoever on the book and is rather AU.

( Black Family Fic )

Wow, I haven't posted here in a really long time. I figured since I'd been keeping this livejournal pretty well updated with my novel's progress so I thought I'd post the final word count:

51,562

And it's all done...I finished it just before Christmas time. I'm not sure exactly how to reflect on the experience of writing (and FINISHING a novel!). It didn't turn out the way that I thought it would. In fact, the topic I chose to write on--a sort of world war III deal that ended up exploring notions of heroism--was both very different than anything I've ever written before and yet unlike the topics I normally like to write. It was very different for me, but then, I think, perhaps the reason I was actually able to finish it was because it was so different. The best part though was realizing that you can just write through things or problems in the writing. It was pretty cool to finish it, though. And it came out alright...I mean, it certainly came out better than I thought.

Well, the holidays were...fine. I mean, they were lovely however post-Christmas was rather depressing. But even more depressing is that my vacation from school is rapidly winding down, I still don't know what I'm doing with regard to studyiing abroad (although I'm thinking I'm going to try to), and, as if the nature of my summer wasn't complicated and irritating enough, I got a freaking jury duty notice the other day. What am I supposed to do with that given that I have, oh I don't know, COLLEGE and then I'm going ABROAD...and it would be nice to...HAVE A JOB this summer. Ugh. And I have to go back to school...oh, ick!

Finals time has come and honestly...it doesn't usually stress me out that much. But, damn if it isn't this time. You see...my first finals are today. And yesterday I got sick with a dreadful cold. I need this thing to leave me soon. I was looking over my notes for my first final and it all looked so foreign to me. This is stuff I knew a week ago and now I can hardly recognize it. I swear...all this crap in my head and interupting my brain waves. Grrr... I've always had the attention span of a gnat when it comes to studying but this is especially bad. I don't feel like myself at all. I hope--I need--to get better soon.

Ah, well, NaNo is officially over. So...did I succeed? Well, I feel horrifically far behind and in a mad rush to try to fix it I wrote over 10,000 words in three days including over 5300 today. So, where did I get to?

47,053 / 50,000 (94.1%)

Not too shabby right? And I figure on finishing the novel itself because I'm not too far from the end (althogh, admittedly, i'm not exactly sure HOW it's going to end). But, I will try.

You know, I am on vacation from school--my weeklong thanksgiving break, which I desperately needed, else I would have surely lost every last shred of sanity that I had. However, now I find I am quite lonely and my boyfriend's antics have me frustrated and it's sad because I don't have very many friends and they're not around or not available. I hate the feeling of loneliness and I've felt it quite a lot lately. Boo. And I've been rather moody...but I shall get over it.

Nano is not particuarly helping my stress as I'm dreadfully far behind. The only good news is that I've written more than my daily quotas over the last two days...and I will continue to write today to accomplish the same feat and maybe I'll catch up. It won't be pretty...mind you. But I may at least catch up, which would be something. I do think this idea of quantity over quality is finally sinking in, as I no longer bother so much about what I write and just write to get the story down. Editing will come later...if I have the stomach for it.

29,384 / 50,000 (58.8%)

And I'm only about 5500+ words behind! Yeesh.

Curse my forgetfulness all to hell! I have forgotten two extremely difficult and problematic things this week and now, as the second one really sinks in, I feel as though I am going to have a panic attack. The frustration is seeping directly into my brain...I'm getting a headache and a sore neck and pain...and ick. Ugh.

I'm only about 4,000+ words behind where I'm supposed to be with nano...yeesh.
Word count:

22,522 / 50,000 (45.0%)